my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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