we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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