Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
