I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
