not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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