worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
being pregnant is like rehab
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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