I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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