I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
