Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
