You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
