just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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