i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
