I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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