This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
