Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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