strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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