I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
