You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
