Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
