does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize