omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
