Someone shit on the floor
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
