There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
