i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
