Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
