I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Randomize
