I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
