Where did you get a picture of my penis
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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