It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
please come you make the beer taste better
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize