Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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