i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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