So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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