Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
