i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
