hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
