I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
How external is "for external use only"?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
