I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
