I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i think i have two assholes
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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