Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
