He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So vagazzling was a success
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
