oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
