its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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