the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
