So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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