you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
