I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
