I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
