I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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