Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
