My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
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