I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
