I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
