Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
