I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
