The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
