my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
