So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
