a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
